Dec 6th, 2006
Riverbank - Rio Altura 2nd Grade - Yes same city, different elementary school, same grade level.

Yikes, now I'm getting serious. Two days in a row, holy cow. It wasn't easy getting out of bed, nor was it a stressless venture to my alarm clock, chiming during the nearby rooster crows.

Wait a second. I thought I lived in the city? Apparently those chickens can cock-a-doodle doo for miles.

I decided I should eat something this morning, even though I was too tired to digest. I decided cereal would be the best breakfast, even though I'm allergic to milk.

I was very stressed because I'm shy and thinking of being in charge of a class for 6 hours isn't pleasant. I printed out the map to the school and then tripped over the cat as I walked to my car. As I drove I prayed and praised God the whole way there (Christian Radio). I begged and pleaded God to let me get through the day.

I arrived at the school and walked into the office. I made eye contact with the secretary and the following conversation ensued.

Secretary: "Hi, can I help you"
Steve : "Yes, I'm a substitute"
Secretary: "For what class"
Steve : "I have no idea"
Secretary: "What grade"
Steve : "2nd grade"

Ok so far so bad. It only took me 5 minutes this time to lose all professionalism. I should have checked the name of the teacher before I entered the office. Luckily she had the list and told me where to go. Unluckily it still looked bad. Maybe all in my head.

I went into the classroom after breaking through the window because it was taking too long to open the door.
I ran over to the lesson plans and studied them like I was reading the directions on how to diffuse a bomb.

I saw that there was someone in the classroom already. I was stunned, I felt tricked, I got panicked. I heard in training that sometimes two subs will show up. I didn't need confusion, not now, please!!!! no!!!!!!!

Me: "Are you the sub"
Her: "No, I'm the teacher"
Me: "What, you don't need a sub?!"
Her: "Yes I do"
Me: " Why are you here, you're not supposed to see me, I work in secret,
now I'm exposed, krrrrr, pssssss, aaaahhkkk"

I continued my professional facade until she had to go to her meeting. Good riddens, Miss Jingleheimer.
I went over my lesson plans again.

I had to go pick the children up from the playground. I went over there and exclaimed, where are my children! my babies! I found out that they were lining up behind a number that was coincidentally the same number as my classroom.

I told them "Let's go children.," and we danced merrily all the way to the classroom.
I went to the classroom and the kids were noisy and what not. I told them shhh a hundred billion times until my voice hurt.

I was like......this sucks. The day before was much better and now I don't even know if I want to be a teacher.
I wrote my name on the board. They first said Mr. Porma? then came Prama? then came the universal nickname that everyone and their grandpa comes up with 5 seconds after they learn my name. Parmesean Cheese!

I hate you Parmesean Cheese, I hate you. Go out of business. You have ruined my life. I remember when Romano made a company and I thought it would replace the Parmesean brand. Then I would be free. Free from this label. It didn't happen. Guess what happens when I meet a Romano. That's right. Romanosean cheese.

The question is what makes me so great?
It's the cheese.

Back to the beginning of class. It was time for reading so I passed out these books to everyone. I was informed I wasn't doing it right by a student. I needed to use the student of the day to pass them out. Thank you Bob Interrupter. (that's not my name......)

(flashback alert) Yesterday every desk had the students name on the front, so I can actually call them by name, this wasn't the case today.

I had to think fast. I came up with a great way to get their attention. Make a nickname for each of them based on what they were wearing. Black man, Red girl, Miss Osh Gosh, rainbow man.

I decided to start with Osh Gosh.

Me: "Osh Gosh, will you start"
Osh wasn't paying attention
Me: "Osh gosh bigosh, please read"
Class: "hehehehehehehehehhe giggle giggle"
Me: "Osh gosh, oh my gosh, read now before I flip out"
Osh: "ME?!"

I try not to laugh when I teach or it's a sure guarantee that I lose control of the classroom, but I just couldn't help it. Class had to be stalled until I laughed it all out. She read the first page, then I picked someone else.

Introducing Child X. This is the student that is the most disobedient in the classroom. The one that expells half my energy and calls out randomly all day.

Me: "Black man, read"
Black: "Batman????"
X: "He's not batman"
Me: "I know, because I'm batman"
X: "You're not batman!!!!!!"
Other student: "He said black man!"
Me: "Yes, I did, will you read black man"
Black: "Me?"

I pointed directly at him and looked at him straight in the eye.

Black: "Me??? orrr him"
Me: "You! you in the black! read! I'm pointing directly at you."

Children are very precise sometimes. Even though I was pointing at him, he was still gambling that my finger was pointing slightly to the left of him, making me point to the child behind him, letting him off the hook.

Forget that he was wearing black and I was making eye contact with him. This happened a lot as I pointed to children to read and Child X kept reminding me that the nicknames weren't their real name. Thank you ex ex ex X.

After we were done reading I had to do some grammer lessons. I reached for the pen and went to write on the white board.


"THAT'S THE WRONG PEN!!!!!!!!!"

Thank you. I almost wrote on the white board with the overhead. I actually did and used the eraser to try to erase it, but it wouldn't come off. I said a bad word accidentally. I apologized to the class. Water made it come off luckily.

Who is this renegade sub that graffiti's and cusses to students? Rick Smith, please don't fire me if you are in the position to do so. I used the alias Steve for the posts, but I'm coming clean and begging for your mercy.

Anyway, I hope there isn't a Rick Smith or he's going to get mad and email me.

Time for Recess, oh cool I have yard duty. What's yard duty? Do I have to pull weeds or what? No....I had to watch the kids and make sure they didn't hurt themselves. I just walked around and smiled at everyone. They gleeed with joy. One of my girl students said "HIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii" I said "hiiiiiii" back and she went "yayyyyy".

Those were the days. A hi from someone and your mood becomes perfectly happy.....Uh oh trouble is brewing!
Super Sub to the rescue.

Student from my class: "They won't let me have a turn"

Susan B. Cutinline didn't want to share and kept running on this two bar game they play on the playground. You have to jump over it and run around to try to catch the other person. If they get too close you can go under the bar, which is much easier and faster.

Anyway they were hogging the game, which I now wanted to play (but refrained). I put my hand in the girl's face to get her to stop. I told them to line up and made meaningless hand gestures and the problem was solved. Good kids.

One of the teachers blew the whistle and they were all commanded to freeze. I also froze. I found out from a helpful child that big people could move They take things more seriously than adults sometimes.

I went to the classroom and opened it for the students. I noticed someone was tugging on my shirt.
Was it the Principal??!!! No, it was one of my students. The one that said Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii at recess.

Hi girl: "Guess what!"
Me: "what?"
Hi girl: "I saw you at recess!"

I laughed. I know you saw me at recess, you said hi to me and I said hi back. I laughed, shook my head, laughed, shook my head a couple more times and went into the classroom.

I was about to begin the next lesson when one of the teachers came in. She had an authoritative tone and told me to watch out for a certain student. That I shouldn't take any behavior problems and should send him to the office if he gets out of line. She was referring to Student X.

I was like....whatttt??? He's being really good. I thought the teacher was a stressed psychopath. So what if a child says stuff a lot during class. I didn't feel he should be kicked out of the class.

You realize I was in high school a couple days, saying shhh is nothing, compared to having people shoot spit wads and light their clothes on fire.

Next was a writing assignment. They had to write a letter to our congressman thanking him for donating books to their school. They had to write that they were thankful, why they were thankful and what they did with the books. I felt it was an odd assignment, but thought they were learning a little about the government, not bad.

Students: "What books, we didn't get any books......."
Me: "I know, its called make believe"
Other student: "I didn't get any books!"
Me: "It's just an assignment"

Student calls me over to help him. "I didn't get any books."
My word........

Me: "That's it! Everyone look at me, all eyes on me, everyone everyone........even if you're wearing purple.."
purple girl turns suddenly in surprise: "What!"
Me: "Eyes on me.....even if you have rainbow colored clothes that look like a yummy popsicle"
Rainbow: "Hey!"
Me: "K good, this is a make believe assignment, I know you didn't get any books, you have to make something up, k? Got it? Get it, got it, good"

I found out later that it was a real letter. I hope he enjoyed all the made up stories about how they enjoyed the books. How they sat down with their mommy and daddy every night and enjoyed the spectacular stories. How it tickled their minds and prevented them from being corrupted by the ills of the world.

In a word, from becoming like a politician, whoops bad steve....I mean....bad rick.

I decided to walk around to see how everyone was doing. Explaining 100 jillion times how to do it. I noticed one boy wrote his name, yep you guessed it, X-boy.

I said "Wowwww, it took you 30 minutes to write your name!?"
X: "I don't want to do it, I don't get it"
Me: "What part, the step by step instructions on the board, or me explaining it 101 jillian times"
X: "Jillian is a funny word."
Me: "K, then write to 1 jillian, smarty pants"
X: "Noooooooooo........"

He didn't know how big a jillian was, neither did I, but he knew it was a big number. I was getting really distressed that no one could write a letter. Just one page. Non college ruled.
The big line paper, where you write 3 words per line and twice as tall, with a big pencil that no sharpener can sharpen.

Finally, a student who had her first day of class with a substitute, came to me and showed me her paper. It was a full page. Beautiful. I wasn't about to let this student sit down without some SERIOUS praise. I wanted to make her feel so good about herself that it would make her life.

Here it goes.

Me: "EVERYONE LISTEN UP, Look at this paper! A full page! Perfect handwriting! This is how you do it! Genius! Genius! You are a genius! You are awesome! (this part is in no way made up or exaggerated)

She reached into the air, made a fist, pulled it down and exclaimed "YESSSSS"

I felt like I earned my ticket to heaven. This was one of the shy ones. I feel like I increased her confidence 7 fold and she could face whatever obstacle came to her. I wonder if she misses me.

I miss her now........=(

It was now time for PE and to get ready to leave. I see that Katrina visited the room again. We were going to play dodge ball. So we grabbed a ball and went outside......Tattle alert.

Boy: "Teacher, he's being funny"
Me: "What?, that's a good thing"

Mr. Funny proceeded to make funny faces at the boy.

Boy: "He's being funny!
Me: After I stopped laughing "Stop being so darn funny, what if he laughs so hard it hurts?"

Dodge ball time or was it a rodeo circus? Not sure, but I was embarrassed at the noise. I wont be subbing in Riverbank for a while.

I joined the students in running towards the gate and was done with work. I thanked God (sincerely) that He got me through the day. =)